Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
