haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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