Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
