That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
