My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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