Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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