Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
