Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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