you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
