Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
