I puked a lego.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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