Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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