What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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