the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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