i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
zippers are such a cool invention
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
