If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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