his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
