I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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