Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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