i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
