So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
