They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
