I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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