I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
