Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Found the puke drawer
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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