just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
