she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
