In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Randomize
