I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
