wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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