That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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