So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
