she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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