just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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