I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
