I think my fart just growled at me.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
