Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
