I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
