I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
