I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
