i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
