a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
