Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
