And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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