totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
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