why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
