So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
