Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
