____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
