drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
