My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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