Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
