I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
