how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
